Seeing and Hearing God

As I look into the face of certain people, they seem to become the face of God, of Jesus Himself to me. As they start to speak, it is as if the whole world around the two of us blurs, it doesn't even exist anymore. The voice of the Almighty is coming out of their mouths. I am no longer sure if the words they speak are even their own.

Bob...a carpenter at St. Jude who lives in Annesdale Historic District. He used to restore (and still does sometimes) 18th and 19th century wood furniture and was once contracted by the Smithsonian. He works at St. Jude to have benefits and because he loves the mission. I have no idea what his religious beliefs are, but he emits LIGHT.

Dhammika...a visiting scientist who also teaches at a local college. She is Buddhist (I think) and is from Sri Lanka. She came to me for help with a project. Today she touched my face and told me I looked like the picture of Marie Curie's sister in a children's book and was beautiful. She said I inspire and encourage her. I believe she can do her project and she gives me more energy every time I speak to her. Somehow, we were instant friends, kindred spirits, as soon as we met one day in my lab at St. Jude.

Steve...from Kenya, another researcher at St. Jude. He loves talking about malaria papers, because he had it before. I have no idea what he really believes, but he tells me to 'keep the faith' when my projects are hard, are not working. Guess what, that works, it keeps me going. He has light. His face emits a joy, an understanding, a depth, a real human spirit that is so easy to connect with.

These people are so different, and it isn't necessarily just them. There is a woman who sits on the left (facing the altar) at St. Mary's. When I am walking back from Communion, the way she smiles, the way she looks at me, I feel like she must be connected to the very heart of God. I have no idea what her name is or anything about her, but I love her. I feel that she is my sister, truly, I do.

Challenged

The earthquake, well now really multiple earthquakes, have shaken me. St. Mary's, along with other churches, nonprofits, and individuals, support St. Vincent's School for handicapped children. As many of you may know, I hold a special place in my heart for the handicapped, due to my interaction with so many of these special people as I grew up.

My sister has had multiple disabilities throughout her life, and very serious, life-threatening medical issues. The issues themselves are so difficult to deal with--from the cost of medications, to the number of doctor's appointments, and the difficulty of everyday life. It is easy for us to forget though, the hardship of families trying to make a meaningful life for a family member who outsiders do not understand, and honestly, sometimes they may not understand either.

The handicapped children in Haiti were described in an article as "shunned", and unfortunately, I really understand this situation, even though I am an American. Everyday life is harder, makes less sense, needs more interventions; for these people. It is easier for people to ignore them, to shut them out, than to confront that this is one version of the very human condition. We could have those problems, just as easily. People seek to find a reason for why these conditions occurred, so that somehow, they can assuage their own fears that it will happen to someone in their family.

Believing the Love of God: Part 1

The Rev. Becca Stevens talked about truly believing the love of God for ourselves. I am not sure how much more of her sermon I really heard. I feel like I have been audibly hearing the voice of God for some time now, and this time it was coming out of her mouth instead of just popping up in my head. Somehow, I can believe the love of God for other people or other situations. These tangible, terrible, things, like disasters or cancer or a hurt foot, but then there is doubt, there is hopelessness, there is downright despair. Then, somehow, I don't really believe.

When I feel like my purpose is missing, or my joy is somehow obsolete, I can't seem to believe the love of God for me, for myself. Trust me when I say that in these times, it isn't that in these moments God's love is not enough, not sufficient, good enough for 'them', but not for me. No, it isn't any of those things. In these moments, I am not sure if I just don't feel worthy or that His love is not relevant. More than that, it is like I blame myself when these feelings, these very human, God-created feelings, surface, and therefore think that I am not worthy, not worth it, me not relevant to His love.

Upcoming Posts

I am planning to turn this blog into a series on spiritual self-discovery. My spiritual memoir of sorts. A lot of these posts will probably not be well-edited. Most of them will probably cause you to question my sanity. Please, hang on for the ride. We all need friends on this journey.

What a Difference.....

.......... A Year Makes. I have been in Memphis a little over a year. I met my boyfriend, Doug. I adopted a dog, Ringo (a.k.a. Mr. Baby Ringo Starr). I ran the St. Jude Half Marathon. I bought a house.

I went to Mississippi and to Arkansas. I went to the Smoky Mountains for the first time. I touched the waters of the Mississippi River.

I tried several churches. I also tried out several types/groups of friends.

There are all these things, like check marks in little boxes that can be ticked off a list.

It is hard to explain, but I will try. I have been transformed and that doesn't fit in any of these check boxes.